brown

feeling much much more positive today.


-i actually got out of the house today. wow. go me. it was wonderful. Asher and i took Aunt Lindsay back to school shopping. .. he had his first outing involving his stroller. .... let me tell you.. he LOVED it. but then again there is not much that he doesnt love. he is the most easy going baby! he is so content.. he is always so good, didnt cry once, makes his little comfy moans and sounds.. (letting us all know how happy he is).. i lucked out having the sweetest baby ever made.

-my neighbors.. are what you might call... borderline white trash. .......... they have a beautiful home... but""""""" have painted the garage in a .... beach scene???... As soon as the work day ends you can be sure you will see them chillin in the garage/beach, with a corona in hand... in their swim suits.... with patio chairs in the distance... i often wonder if they actually think they are getting a tan in their garage, or if the floor is covered in sand. lindsay and i have discussed attempting to snap a picture of them.. ..

-i constantly pray that Asher's eyes will be brown. so that he has at least ONE of my traits.. he looks like his dad in every single way.. and if he doesnt get my eyes i might just lose it!! ...... however... as the days go by i feel like he is looking more and more like me. yet i still know that he mainly is a clone of his dad.

-i have learned to accomplish almost all activities of daily life.. with ONE hand. tonight, i made a tuna sandwich, ate it, cleaned up, and now am typing this post... with child in hand. .. thats right. im on my way to becoming a real mom.

-i cant wait for tiff's shower. .. i need to see my girls. .. i am having withdrawals. i miss them. they are my family...i was so grateful to be able to have some encouraging new mommy words from Ariel today. they were much needed.

-word is.. there might be a cold front coming through. cross your fingers.

-breastfeeding. my nemisis. why why why are you so hard.! he was a 36 weeker. i know its early.. and that he HAD to be fed a bottle in the NICU for his glucose. BUT... is it really suppose to be this hard? i was completely shocked.. i thought i totally had this in the bag. if i must spend the next year doing what im doing and pumping him bottles .. i will. i refuse to give up. .. but i long for deleting extra steps out of this routine..

-feeling good. feeling tired. feeling happy. feeling exhausted. feeling thankful. feeling loved. feeling powerful. feeling encouraged. feeling enlightened.

-i can not wait till Ange has her baby. i can not wait to see what he looks like. and meet Asher's future best bud. i hope she has him before i go off maternity leave. . im counting down the days.

-when i hold Ash.. he stares at me with those big adorable (hopefully soon to be brown) eyes. then when i look down.. he looks away.. we play this game for quite a while. but really.. i just stare at him ALL the time. i can NOT believe he is mine. he is beautiful. like CRAZY beautiful. it is an unworldly experience holding him in my arms. realizing that he grew inside me. that he has my blood. that i get to be his mom. i feel privileged. to say the least. and even writing these few words about it.. makes my eyes fill with tears. i love him. beyond anything worldly, or material, beyond any love i have ever felt.. for a family member or a spouse or a friend. i love him with this crazy love that makes my heart skip a beat when he cuddles up to me.