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I HATE having anxiety and sleep issues.
right at this very moment, my entire family is sleeping soundly.
Elliot is on his tummy cuddling his blanket with out a care in the world.
Asher and Mya are sleeping with their respective prized possessions... Asher=train, Mya=my little pony.
i am pinning, watching snapped,  chatting with one of the most amazing mom's ever, Jessica, i call her my mommy idol. ...but i am not sleeping.

i worry. too much. i have heard it from everyone .... the same sentence. "you worry too much"..
I know.
i dont like it.
it gets me no where.
i believe that when Anxiety hits your brain and body, it is all out war.

tonight my brain wont stop thinking about,
sleep. how desperately i need sleep.

the icy roads, i hate jared driving on them in the morning to work.

preschool, why are there WAITING LISTS? silly. silly.
that thought usually leads me to the issue of public school.

how can ONE teacher be in charge of  25 children? does she/he know how important each of those children are to their parents???
i dont want my kids to ever be picked on or pick on others.

t minus 25ish weeks to another csection. i hate that feeling of the spinal block and me not being able to breathe.

running out of formula.  7 cans is not enough for an 8 month old. and at nearly $30 a can.!! ugh!

dinner. dinner time stresses me out. cooking at 5 ... feed the kids, including elliot, and have everything ready for jared when he gets home at 6:30.

taxes. we need to file for our tax return asap.

car shopping sucks! - especially when we have a family of soon to be SIX!

mya. i worry about mya constantly . . and her spending time with her "misty mommy". i worry about what she sees over there, if she is being fed. if she is being allowed to go potty properly. if she is safe and away from dangerous things.... if she will think her Misty Mom is cooler than me since she probably has no time outs at her house....and gets to eat crap all the time.

mediation. how do you have mediation with such an awful person as Mya's mother. who refuses to compromise and acknowledge the fact that she has not been in Mya's life properly .. for years..... how do you have mediation with someone you have no respect for.. and who deserves NOTHING involving this wonderful, beautiful, smart, little girl. as a parent i feel strongly that you do NOT get chance after chance after chance to prove you are a worthy parental figure. pushing out a baby, does not give you rights to that baby. not knowing who her dr is, how much she weighs, her favorite foods, what she means when she says "fookal"... and her not paying a penny in child support for over two years... does not mean you "care" about Mya. she likes Mya. she likes being the every other weekend fun mommy. she has NOT been a full time mommy in years. far before her other 2 kids were removed by the State of Utah.

cleaning my house. i think about it constantly. it is clean. a little too clean for a house with 3 kids. but tonight i am thinking about how i am going to clean out the microwave and clean my washing machine.

i worry about running out. running out of "stuff". i hate running out .... i have a stock of at the least=
6 month body wash, 2 years shampoo and conditioner, 6 months baby wash and lotions, kids meds, about 60 untouched pens, about 15 rolls of tin foil, 1yr supply of febreze  and cleaners... 6 months of toilet paper... about 20 tooth brushes. around 15 tubes tooth paste.

i hate being home alone. and by alone i mean with out Jared.

anxiety makes my heart beat faster, makes me feel hot from the top of my head to the bottom of my pinky toe. makes me twitchy and not be able to sit still. makes me feel exhausted and out of control.
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