insomnia

we are old friends. we go WAY back..
i toss and turn. and peek on my baby. and watch tivo'd Dateline. and eat cereal. and read. and pray. and sing to Asher. and do just about everything.. except snooze..
never had it really during the 1st month of Asher's life.
but... as the return to work date looms closer... insomnia has entered my life once again.
i am fairly certain that i am the lightest sleeper ever.. i wake up to his every whimper. which is maybe a good thing.. but mostly a bad thing. . . i wonder if EVERY mom is as paranoid about SIDS as i am. . ??!!
leaving to go back to work is going to kill my heart. i am so particular, so paranoid about how Asher is taken care of. i know im a control freak. i know i have become one of those moms. im thankful that my mom is able to take care of him. if i had to put him in day care.. i would simply quit my job. . . and "live off the land".. :)


Things i am enjoying this last week of maternity leave. . .
~Asher learning about his hands. . :) he loves to play with them, suck on them, and explore their talents...
~Asher coo's and smiles... today i actually started crying ... he was just smiling so much and he was SO cute!!..
~cuddle time. in the rocking chair. reading a book and holding my baby. . doesn't matter how asleep he is.. i still want to hold him..

however..... I am looking forward to....
~seeing my work friends
~MONEY!!
~getting back into the swing of things

not looking forward to...
~gowns and masks and droplet
~swine flu
~mandatory on calls
~surge shifts
~12 hours away from my baby
~being covered in germs
~commute
~suctioning
~12 hour turnover between shifts
~adding school into this whole mix in December.

single motherhood+12 hr work shifts with sick babies+nursing school+insomnia=NO BUENO

life is life. it is what it is. i just have to suck it up.. and of course hold on to the hope that i will one day meet the man of my dreams, and he will love me SO much that he cant bear the thought of me working so hard.. and i will be able to be a stay at home mom..:) a girl can hope. rather dream.

but someone has to put the proverbial food on the table.. and that someone is ME.

{Asher Liam.. enjoying his hands}